I Love You, Let’s Meet

and there’s also a point here about male dating columnists telling women that rude behavior is “natural,” so guys can’t help it. It tends to feel more like excusing or special pleading than explaining or arbitrating.

Online dating in Ghana is a web of deceit. Daniel Pryce decodes some ads for us and corrects some spelling. (Double dang, nay, triple dang that he gives no link to his article on “the third leg”!)

or why I do anyway: when someone who’s lived something you’ve only researched/imagined tells you, “You got it, and you made me feel less alone.” I asked Autumn if I could post her letter, and she said “Sure, I’d love to be interviewed about my story, and as a writer, I’d like my name out there.” So here’s a great online love story by an “unladylike” woman (my favorite kind):

Hi, Virginia:

In a random search at my public library last week on “chatrooms” I came across your book, I LOVE YOU, LET’S MEET. I was searching the topic for research because, as a writer, I was considering writing a project about people finding true romance online. But it looks like you beat me to it! The title instantly struck me, understandably so, considering my husband of two years is someone I “met” in a chatroom. I immediately checked out the book, and just finished reading it last night.

I just wanted to thank you for writing it, and let you know that if you ever do such an undertaking on this topic again, I would be more than happy to be one of your interviewees.

I first used chatrooms back in the early days of AOL in the early 90s, and was intrigued by the phenomenon of being able to integrate into a social circle that saw way beyond physical appearances. In my real life, I was a shy, self-loathing, dateless virgin at 23. I had never been asked on a date in high school. And the one “relationship” I had had was tumultuous at best, ending badly and rendering me even more self-loathing. I lived in the bubble of a family that was very involved with church, and grew up with a relatively harsh set of guilt complexes if I so much as THOUGHT of anything regarding sexuality. But in a chatroom, I could be someone else. In the chatroom, I could be honest about my desires, my feelings on any issue. I could be ME. And this phenomenon was a major help to me in self discovery. Geek or not, it became my social circle.

I fazed off from chatting throughout the years though, due to, basically, life getting in the way and lack of computers, etc., and so on. But in 2005, after having been through a rough few years of carelessness and alcohol, rendering me a single mom for 9 years, doing not much in my life but living to get back on good terms with my family and their church, I got bored. I was sick of never going out. I was sick of being worried of what my family would say if I did go out. I needed to be me somewhere, and couldn’t be me around them. I was a single mom with little money or time to go out anyway, and I had no close friends to hang out with, so, I re-visited the chatroom scene. Originally, it was to keep in touch with a good friend I’d forged a decade-long penpal-friendship with. He lives overseas. Chatrooms were as close as we were gonna get to any sort of live conversation. It is platonic at best, but I value him very much and wanted to use chatrooms to talk to him. I went into a Yahoo Books and Literature chatroom - I was an author, and figured it could serve a dual purpose of promoting my freshly published book while I waited around for my friend to show up online.

Long story short, I began chatting all the time. It was such a freeing experience, and in some sick, pathetic way, I was flattered by the male attention I got. For the first time in my life, random males were telling me I was pretty (among other things). A lot of people liked my cynical wit and my blunt honesty about topics that most women are afraid to talk about for fear of sounding “unladylike.”

After being in the same chatroom and forcing myself to “reg” status (much to the chagrin of some of the uppity previous regs who had been in there - several of whom continuously made threats to me and my computer if I didn’t “leave and take all my friends with me” because they did not appreciate my “phallic tone”), I began to forge what I consider real friendships with several of the others. There were more than one that I got very close to - not in any sexual way (however, those existed, too). I became as close to them as I had to any of my friends in real life - closer, in fact, because I felt the anonymity and distance gave me the chance to be completely honest about who I am. I was going through a very lonely period in my real life, ready to make some majorly drastic changes that were not something I had ever done before. I needed courage, advice, and humor to get through that time. And I found it on Yahoo, believe it or not.

I found something else on Yahoo also. About a month after I’d been chatting my way up to “reg” status in Books and Literature, Room 2, (I still go there today - if you’re ever there, say hi to Fibsy or Fiblergirl or Autiej!)…a guy came online who seemed so sweet. He went by Draft_of_shadows, and I found his chatname intriguing most of all at first. After a while, it became clear that he had a “thing” going on with one of the regs in the chatroom who had since become one of my good friends. I became like a big sister to the two of them, because we all three got along well. Through a series of IMs, emails, and phone calls, they both came to me for advice on their “relationship” with the other - asking me questions like “Do you think I should meet him?” or “Do you think she REALLY likes me?” etc. and so on. He would call me on the phone and talk for hours about how much he adored her and couldn’t wait to meet her. After a couple months of chatting online and on the phone, the two of them decided to meet. He was in St. Louis, and she was from Tennessee. I encouraged their meeting because they both seemed so fond of each other. And for him especially - who was a truly sweet and romantic soul - I knew the meeting would be bliss. Only, it wasn’t.

When “Machelle384″ went to meet “Draft-of_Shadows”, after driving nearly 8 hours to see him, she decided she did not want to be with him, and left within a couple of hours. He was DEVASTATED. He had met one other girl from online before, slept with her, and loaned her money, only to be left in the end. So, this time, he was completely heartbroken. There was an awkward silence about it online, because I - as well as others in our chat community - knew what had happened, but “Draft” continued to call me because he needed someone to talk him off the proverbial ledge. I would get IM’s saying things like “Thanks for letting me vent.” or “You always make me feel better.” I thought it was sweet, and that he was a sweet kid. Then one night, he told me what he thought about me. And it scared me to death. Suddenly, this “kid” who had become a good friend was now suitor. I almost stopped talking to him. He was 19. I was 34. I had a kid, and rented a house from my grandparents next door, so he could NEVER come there. He lived in St. Louis. I had a decent job and was very settled in Ohio. It was impossible.

But, I didn’t stop talking to him. Against my better judgement, I began to consider him my “boyfriend” for all intents and purposes. We exchanged letters, cards, and Christmas presents. We talked for 8 or 9 hours on the phone every night. And just a couple of days after his 20th birthday, I had the perfect opportunity for him to come meet me because I was going to be out of my hometown at a film preview (my first book had been made into an indy film) - so I invited him to come along.

It was the most beautiful weekend of my life. We barely left the hotel room. He was amazingly sweet, and was the first man I’d been near in 9 years. Within hours of us meeting, he asked me if I’d ever consider marrying him. I laughed it off. But two days later, when he had to go back to St. Louis, it was like someone ripped off one of my limbs. We had literally gotten so close from talking in the chatroom all of those hours, and through all the IM and emails, that I knew him so well. He came back to St. Louis, grabbed a duffel bag of clothes, and then had his family drive him clear back to Ohio the following weekend, where they met me briefly, and he and I eloped to a nearby town to get married. We’ve been married every since. Over 2 years now.

Everyone says that it was too quick, but what they don’t understand is that the relationship we forged online was much deeper than anything we would have forged had we met in some bar or random encounter. There was no physical aspect to get in the way. By the time we first saw each other F2F, we were already deeply in love. We already KNEW eachother on a very real level before we ever touched. And because you tend to find people online who have similarities, our differences melted away in a pot of insignifigance. The age gap didn’t matter because online you are who you are, regardless of age, gender, race, or anything else.

When I wandered into that “Yahoo Books and Literature Room 2″ room in 2005, I intended to sell books and talk to an old friend. What I ended up with was a plethora of friends who I may never meet, but who are invaluable to me and as real - if not more so - than any of the friends I’ve actually hung out with in real life. Not to mention the man I love - which I wasn’t looking for in there and never expected to find. . Strangely, I know a lot of couples who met in the same chatroom as me, and Yahoo even did a short story on us. But,your book was the first thing I’ve ever read that made me feel as though this isn’t totally abnormal - as if others have done the same. Thank you Virginia! I’ll definitely be recommending your book in my chatroom and on my blogs!

–
Autumn Conley-Bittick
3205 Buder Court
St. Ann, MO 63074
314-620-9627
autiej@gmail.com

WANNA BLOG WITH ME? Go to: www.xanga.com/autiej or www.myspace.com/andsoiran

NEED EDITING DONE? Visit my site at: http://autiej.googlepages.com/home

Pretty funny account of a scam. The “hold a sign with my name” test is clever — unless the Pho-mancers have Pho-toshop.

great title and book cover and of course we all like to hear encouraging things about dating older. It seems particularly rosy now for gay Jewish men of a certain age; Bob Morris, in his 50s, found his guy and Michael Musto (”between 45 and death”) is on a hilarious tear of hook-ups.

sort of a good idea for a date activity (all except for being filmed!)

rather commonsense advice (which characterizes the whole dating-advice industry. And the diet-book industry, too: How do books keep getting into the bestseller list that are simply riffs on Eat less, Move more?) from e-harmony. If a person acts like a big jerk, don’t marry him/her. Thanks, Dr. Warren.

But check out the picture, doesn’t it look like a metal rod is slipping out of her head? Or else some robot worm is drilling into her brain and causing her rather languid road rage?

I am loving a song called You Broke My Heart by a group called Lavender Diamond right now.

guess that last line didn’t work, seeing as how this post has been viewed over 10,000 times!

check the second question in this interview. If women are shunning warm and kind men because they seem like sissies, then I don’t want to hear them complain about their dating life. Ditto to any men saying, “she looks good, all except for that trustworthiness, that’s just not hot.” or “I’d like her if she were just a little more fake.”
Note to warm and kind men: You rule! And I know a lot of other women who are with me! (Genuine and trustworthy is kind of essential in any mate — or friend — too. How did these most basic human qualities get gendered anyway?)

who knew? read this thing about the Easter Eggs application’s quick rise and sale.

I wonder if the Zombie and Vampire inventors got rich.